Stephen Parker, now 75, recalls a transformative moment from his youth that highlights the profound impact of empathy. During his high school years, Parker had been involved in a romantic relationship with his male best friend. While the two were inseparable, they never identified as gay. After graduating, they attended different colleges in separate states, and although they remained in contact during school breaks, their closeness eventually faded.
Reflecting on that period, Parker describes being lost in grief and suffering from serious depression at the age of 20. The emotional burden culminated one night while he was working on a class assignment. In an attempt to stay awake, he consumed a large pot of coffee, which triggered an intense panic attack. Overwhelmed by anxiety and long-suppressed feelings regarding his past relationship, he sought help from his housemate, Bob.
Parker knocked on Bob’s door and spent the entire night recounting the story of his high school romance. According to Parker, Bob listened with remarkable presence and care, offering a safe space for him to process his pain. Years later, Parker came to realize that Bob was gay, which added a new layer of meaning to that night. He believes Bob showed immense restraint by choosing not to press him about his own sexuality, recognizing that Parker was not in a place to hear it at the time.
The bond between the two remained unspoken, yet Parker believes Bob left subtle signals that he understood what Parker was going through. During their college years, Bob lost his academic funding and turned to selling hand-painted rocks from the shores of Lake Superior to support himself. He gifted one to Parker featuring a drum and the phrase, “To a different drummer,” a message Parker now interprets as an acknowledgment of his truth.
Although the two eventually lost touch, the kindness Bob showed him remains a cherished memory. Parker notes that the support he received allowed him to move past his crisis, and he remains deeply grateful for the empathy his housemate provided during a vulnerable moment in his life.
"For the first couple of years that I was in school, I was really lost in grief," Parker said. "This happened when I was 20. I'm 75 now. And in retrospect, I recognize that I was seriously depressed."
"When Bob was listening to me, he showed enormous restraint. He didn't ask me, 'Have you ever thought you might be gay?' Because I couldn't hear that at the time. [It] would've been too much. It might even have pushed me into being suicidal. He just listened with an open heart through that whole night, and the crisis passed."
